These are some of the boiler-plate statements that will most often come out of a metalhead’s mouth. From elitist comments targeted towards “core bands” to bandwagon opinions on the quality of a band’s previous music. I think most of you will find yourself at home with some of these.

  1. The Show Started Too Early

This could be a weird thing to say anywhere in the world, but Kenyans are the real mvps when it comes to ‘African timing’. Within the Kenyan rock and roll scene this is still holds true.

With fans already used to shows starting late they have come to expect the show to start 2 hours after the allocated time.

Also with beer prices at an all-time high some fans would rather “pre-game” for two hours outside before the show starts hoping that it starts late. When the show doesn’t start late as expected, which has been happening a lot lately with promoters like The Hardcore Help Foundation crew working with strict ‘German timing’. Stay too long outside for whatever reason fellow fan but don’t say the show started too early, the U bahn left without you.

2. The Show Started Too Late

 

Ahh yes, the show has started too late. That sounds pretty normal, right? Well, it depends with your definition of late and ‘Yo, is this show really happening?’

Some Kenyan shows, many actually, have been plagued by the lateness disease. Show says on the poster that its going to start at 6pm only to  start at 10 pm. No blame to the bands or promoters really. I’ve been in their shoes and Kenya is just a weird place to get something moving really smoothly and on time.

From factors such as traffic jam, electrical problems, expensive equipment, unscrupulous club owners/management and sometimes just a stroke of bad luck. But there’s also the frequent problem of people not knowing how to handle audio equipment or to put it simply “sound problems”. Frankly Kenya is just jacked up :O.

I remember one show when a certain promoter tried to power a band going through a mixer and a Deejay using one small 50 watt guitar amp going to house system speakers. The show went on for a while and everyone was having a party well until the amplifier exploded, leaving the fans with not so loud music as the promoters went to look for a new amp until midnight.

I also remember one gig where the club electricity failed and the show stopped at midnight leaving fans to just hangout in the club till morning.

But I digress. Shows start late sometimes deal with it, talk to your friends at the show about your fave metalcore band.

3. I Only Like Band X’s Earlier Albums

Hahaha, I think this is a worldwide phenomenon though. Well you really don’t like the said band’s earlier albums only. Did you really listen to any of their new stuff? Are you sure you aren’t just following some trendXcore. I hate it especially when stuff is said about bands like Iron maiden and Black Sabbath and the Rolling Stones who’s content has just been getting better by the day. Later Iron Maiden albums are wayyyyy better than old maiden albums and band X’s first demo sounds like shit.

 

Editor’s Note – I’d be interested in knowing which bands you prefer by their earlier work. Chime off in the comments section down below. Personally Disturbed has always been lame but their latest album really went off the rails, over the cliff and crush and burned!!! Bring Me The Horizon anyone? – 

4. I don’t listen to Metalcore

Wawawa…. This is my fave one. And what’s funny is this statement is always followed by some serious headbanging to some metal-core in lovely drunken stupor. Asking Alexandria maybe? Oh myyy gawwwwd. Every fan of this music listens to metalcore or at least did at some point. Don’t be an elitist prick.

5. Nobody understands me

LOTS of metalheads say this and it’s starting to sound like a broken record. Most of these people are super introverted or socially awkward and as weird as they want to be not caring about anyone but themselves.

In a sort of strange twist they somehow expect that people should understand them and that if they don’t understand them the other party is dumber than them and doesn’t care. That even the whole world is against them.

Well, if you are into rock and roll and you don’t give a shit, why does this bother you and that the solace it causes is the reason you listen to DSBM or  Modest mouse  every morning?

6) I have to keep my black shirts black but I also want to wear them often

“When black bleaches to brown”

We’ll face it people – black shirts are awesome.

But you also live in a hot tropical mostly sunny and dusty country. The fact that you are wearing all that black clothing in itself shouldn’t be a thing.

Another dilemma comes up is the idea of washing clothes.

There are washing detergents that seem to destroy clothes rather than just fight stains. Not to mention the fact that the water and soap are filled with many minerals.

Washing machines are quite out of reach on a college student/ rocker’s salary. Laundromats are completely non-existent. Frankly most clothes are not meant to be handwashed and then left to bask out in the harsh sub-saharan sunlight.

As the science of laundry goes  in these conditions your black clothes will be brown in a few months or a year. Those soaps, mineral rich hard (core) water and brutal sunlight lead to bleaching of your favourite black Nickelback and Metallica tees and they turn brown as black bleaches to brown, which really is brutal colour in itself.

Grey takes longer to bleach and is only second to black in brutality imo. White is also cool if you work with bleach and the print on the shirt is good. So hey, be a little open minded and explore some other colours.

7) AHH my neck hurts like a..

….biiiiitch, then why did u headbang so recklessly and dangerously the whole night then??? Huhh?

Do you know you can fuck up your body by headbanging badly? Huh? Just ask Tom Araya of Slayer who now has serious back pain for headbanging badly. You could say he’s old , but many young people have been hurt by moshing and headbanging. A certain drummer had to go for surgery and a certain punk kid died moshing and crowd surfing at a NOFX concert.

Moshing, headbanging and hardcore dancing are all okay methods of self expression at shows /gigs but please watch yourself and your friends as you enjoy these privileges or you may just end up never doing these things again.

8)I’m not an alcoholic/ druggie

This one is  a sad one, despite all the alcohol and drugs that most metalheads/rockers and punks around here consume.

No one will ever admit to having a problem.

Also no one will admit to this problem existing in rock n roll in general even after all the drug and alcohol induced deaths in the past and now. From Jon Bonham to Janis Joplin to Kurt Cobain and including your fave Chester Bennington.

There exists a problem and as Hannah baker said, let’s start a conversation.  No? Yes? Ok.

However, as the Kenyan rock scene gets more and more sanitized and gentrified the amount of drug and alcohol abuse is reducing or at least isn’t glorified as much sometimes making shows and most events flaccid as fuck but that’s a story for another day.

9)I’m weird and proud and my music is too unique for most people

Yes , your weird music makes you a hundred times unique than everyone else huh, and you shit gold too dontchya?

10) Ughh their music is so weird ,I wish they would like my music.
this one is pure contradiction..and when these  friends like the music you brand them , a , wait for it…
POSER!

11) XFM sucks

Ah, yes XFM the home of ‘real’ music.

Almost every fan of this stuff we talk about on here feels betrayed by XFM, even me really. But I must keep my journalistic integrity and be objective here. Remember when X FM came out in the mid-2005 and were playing rock /metal / punk on and on for a whole day?? Well for most that found this station now it may not sound like much, however think about it; back then you could only listen to rock at specific times and  only on certain radio and tv stations like Rick Deez and that capital FM rock show on capital FM , or Wednesday rock vj shows on KTN and such and you had to survive on your playlist till next time.

When XFM came out they had 24 hours of rock, actual rock, and even later they came with all these unique ground breaking shows like The Rude Awakening, Metal to Midnight and The Indie Rock Feed. Then all of a sudden it started changing slowly and slowly into this more pop station , all these interesting shows were scrapped and every rock and metal fan in Kenya just started hating it .I don’t know why this happened and maybe heavy and the beast should inquire.hmmm.. but one could assume that straight up rock and roll music and attitude for example as portrayed in some of these shows.

RIP XFM BTW ..LOL

Written by: Sam “Slammy” Karugu

 

 

3 thoughts on “Things You Will Hear Every Kenyan Metalhead/Rocker Saying”

  1. Them DSBM kids are a weird bunch, not to mention I enjoy the occasional DSBM, but let’s be honest, too much of it becomes a bother. Would want to see what Slam kids of this nation pout now that it has suddenly become all the rave these days, considering deathcore kids shifted once they saw how br00tal it was and could make them 🙂

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